Being Confrontational Is a Social Grace

Fake laughter - it is something we all do. Whether it gurgles out of us because we want people to think we are fun-loving, or whether it rings out to avoid an awkward silence, it inevitably happens. We become so accustomed to our fake laugh that we forget entirely what it is to gut-laugh, to lose our senses and our leg-strength by collapsing in hilarity onto the floor. I've always innocently thought that fake laughter was part-and-parcel of navigating through life with social grace. But I never imagined the toll it would take.

I suddenly came face-to-face with my genuine laugh in a weekend spent with emotionally close yet geographically far friends. I was floored – literally and metaphorically. Had I been fake laughing for three months straight? I had forgotten the flood of gaiety, the incomprehensible intoxication that comes with uncontrollable laughter. It was a refreshing sensation to be so taken with the humor and energy of another person that I could not avoid laughing. It was not an attempt to make someone else feel funny or a painful effort of gritting my teeth, laughing, and simultaneously searching for the next possible escape. This was something cataclysmic.

The weekend made me realize how much more of a people-pleaser I am than I ever thought. Sure, I want people to like me, but I've always taken pride in having the guts to be confrontational when necessary and in standing up for what I think is right. But I've come to realize that people-pleasing is a far broader fault. In surface-level relationships or first-encounters, I am comfortable with laughing over uncomfortable comments or views I disagree with because I think, "What's the point in disagreeing? I'm never going to see this person again." Or, "I don't really care if we aren't friends in the future so I'm not going to rock the boat on this one." But such a mindset has allowed a lack of conviction to creep into my day-to-day. Sure, you have to pick your battles – not every disagreeable comment is worth a parley. But while humoring a desire to avoid all contradiction may result in smoother social interactions, it also diminishes your integrity and is not doing you or the other person any favors.

How else do you get to know someone if you don't care to risk the possibility of disagreeing with them? If you choose to slip past contradiction, you sacrifice the possibility of actually getting to know a person and letting them know you. They may think you agree with them and so will feel no need to elaborate, or they may assume that you just don't care to probe deeper. Honesty is key in any relationship, even in a chance encounter with a stranger. For their sake and your own, don't overlook their convictions. If someone makes a sexist comment, challenge them. If someone bashes your religion, politely inform them that it is not OK. If someone says something racist, think of those you are silently undermining with your silence. If someone is venting, be empathetic but don't let it get to the point where you are aligning yourself with their misery. It is not rude to disagree. It is a part of life. It is a social grace to be confrontational.